Do I Stay or Do I Go?

Have you ever had that moment? The moment you notice something unusual about your kid. Your mind starts to race. You’re searching for possible explanations and don’t want to panic. Except it’s too late. You go from 0 to 100. You’re thinking the worst, and you scoop up your kid and head to the hospital.

On the drive there, you’re wondering what life could look like if you receive the worst news. You go through a run down of your day, of your week. What did you miss? Was anything out of the ordinary? You recall details, details you feel will be important once you get to the hospital so they will take you seriously.

Then you try to talk yourself down. You go to the opposite extreme. What if it’s nothing? What if they look at me like an idiot and write me off? Should I even go in? I don’t want to waste anyone’s time.

You go to triage, you tell them what’s wrong. You justify why you’re there, that you’re not normally crazy and panic out of the blue. You have every reason to believe that something is wrong. You look for reassurance that you made the right call. You give them that pleading look so they’d believe you.

You sit in the waiting area. You look around. Other parents are there with their kids. They have the same pleading look to the staff. You understand, you feel the exact same way.

The nurses and doctors are friendly. They don’t treat you as if you are stupid. But underneath, you wonder if you over reacted. You wonder if you should have come at all.

You finally get an answer. Turns out everything IS normal. You breathe a huge sigh of relief. Of course you are elated nothing is wrong. But you feel really guilty because you feel like you’ve wasted everyone’s time.

I’d like to say we’ve never experienced this. Except we have. And having to bring Alastair to the hospital twice in 2 days, I felt hypersensitive to being “that mom”.

Then I thought about it some more. Why am I feeling this way? Why am I trying to justify bringing my child to the hospital for the care I believe he needed? That I truly believe might’ve been an emergency?

I didn’t write this post to recount what happened. I’m writing this because if you have ever felt this way, I want to tell you this:

Sometimes, peace of mind is worth bringing your child in at 2 in the morning, or in the middle of the day, or waiting for 4 hours amongst other worried parents. Because it’s better to know your child is 100% ok, than to wonder if your child could be the 1% where something could go wrong. No one should ever guilt you into thinking otherwise. We live in a country where we are blessed with free healthcare. I’m not saying to abuse it (a runny nose probably doesn’t warrant emergency), but I am saying to go when your instincts say so. To trust it and not feel shame for it. You don’t need to justify to anyone why you deserve to be there. You deserve to be there because you are a parent. You are doing what you feel is right. We are all doing the best we can with what we know. Next time you are wondering if you should stay or go? I say trust yourself. Your gut will know.

Then once your visit is done? Be grateful to the team that helped you. You waited hours and hours? Guess what? Your nurses and doctors worked probably twice as long and worked really hard so your child can be seen. ER is intense. They are the heroes who give us the reassurance and save our children when needed.

So thank you John (resident doctor who didn’t use his last name), Dr. I don’t know who because you just came in for a minute and quickly made a referral for another consult, Dr. Newton, and nurse Carla – thank you! Thank you for easing our fears, for treating us with respect, and for being just the best at what you do.

PS - Al is fine. We had a couple of scares this past week that turned out to be false alarms.