Birthday Again? Now You're Ten!

Dear Mackenzie,

There was a time where I really contemplated whether I wanted to have kids. Your 2 older sisters seemed enough, and so I sat on that decision for a few years. 

When they say you're never actually going to be ready, they weren't wrong. We think we have all the ducks in a row and life experiences that prepped us into being great parents. But honestly, no books, no workshops, no seasoned moms could prepare new parents on what is to come. And so, whether I was ready or not, I woke up over a decade ago and thought, "I think having a baby might not be a bad idea". 

Then somehow, we thought it'd be a good idea to move to another province at 38 weeks pregnant. We had a little chat that you wouldn't slip out on our 12-hour drive. Then you had to wait again after Auntie Amanda and Uncle Dan's wedding. Every step of the way, you listened. 

That's how the last 10 years have been really. You walked within the lines and you always listened. I am grateful you gave us the confidence to be grown ups. 

It's your second covid birthday. 9 sure was a roller coaster ride. Some days, your emotions are bigger than others. I'm so grateful that, a decade later, you still articulate those feelings to us. Some days, we'd just chit chat about every day worries like how hard school can be, some days, it's harder things like death, and on the hardest days, we talk about social issues and where we stand in the world. How did we get from bandaids for every visible and invisible boo boos to...this? 

You said to me a couple of days ago "I am so excited to grow up, and so sad to grow up too". I asked you how much longer you think you'd hold my hand, you said you didn't know. I was content with that answer, because in truth, all we have is right now. 

You are so considerate. You are always first to give up something, for your siblings, for us. But you also set boundaries. You set them so much better than most of the grown ups I know (myself included). I don't know what your secret is, but I hope you never lose that. 

You are starting to see the unfairness of the world. I so wish I could shield you from the heartaches and cruelness. I also know that I can't, because this is your life to live and experience. You don't ask too many questions, because it seems, you have this understand that life sometimes just...sucks. 

But you don't miss amazing moments either! Your first covid birthday, we couldn't have a party, and at the end of it all, you loved being in the moment, you told us it was the best birthday ever. This year, with yet another small birthday celebration, you told us tonight that today truly was just the best birthday ever.

You have taught me that emotions come and go. Sometimes you are sad, sometimes you are joyful. You are never in a hurry to get from one place to the next. You hold space for the good and the bad. 

Mackenzie, you were the love that I never expected. Thank you for choosing me to be your mom. Thank you for being the calm on the craziest days. Happy Birthday my love. Here's to 10. 

Love, Mom

"And the only thing sure from the start,
Is the song that's inside of your heart. 
Don't let...it leave"
-Anson Long-Seabra from "Welcome to Wonderland"