Random Thoughts From a Mommy

It's my 31st birthday today. So far we've had a 4 am wake, puke in my mouth, and seriously the biggest poop I've ever seen so far (from Mackenzie that is...I'll let you know how mine goes later :p). It's been eventful to say the least. And it's only 10 am. What will the afternoon bring? I remember last year how my 30th birthday wasn't a big deal at all. I was so busy being pregnant that I didn't really care about my birthday. Turned out, it's not that much different once the baby is out. Somehow, birthdays just aren't as exciting as it used to be. I'm not sure if it's because I'm getting older, or because I have a kid now. Although I did have a mini freak out about how old I'm becoming. I've gotten so used to being 30 that 31 crept up really really fast. I think I'm supposed to feel older, but I swear I still feel like I'm 21. And I don't mean energy-wise. I feel like I have the maturity of a 21-year-old. And t

Moments like these are rare, because I'm so incredibly blessed to have a husband and family who are constantly there for me and Mackenzie. So moments where I feel frustrated are rare. But you know, they still happen to the best of us. Mackenzie has been sick with the sniffles and cough. It's been a bit worrisome because she hasn't gained any weight in 2 weeks. I've been terrified that my milk is drying up and I can no longer provide for her. It became quite evident just how little she was when we visited a couple friends and their baby was a pound lighter than Mackenzie and she was 3 months younger. Of course, being worried never helps milk supply. So it's a bit of a cycle. So today, I decided to take Mackenzie for a weigh in. She gained 1 oz. That means 1 oz in 3 weeks. Yeah, I started freaking out. It's been a long time since I've freaked out about her weight. I mean, she's happy, she's super active, and she's generally a pretty good baby

I think I should stop with the counting. I mean, who counts after week like 10 anywaz? So after this post, no more counting weeks! Plus it's getting me all confused - I'm like, what week is it? Am I a week ahead? Or a week behind? So to make life a bit easier for all of us (ok, just me), no more counting from next week forward! Mackenzie is now fully crawling. She's picking up every lint, dirt, hair off the floor and putting it in her mouth. It's amusing and disgusting all at the same time. But this was the day I've been anticipating. This is why I haven't been washing her soother when it falls on the ground, or rinsing her food if it drops off the table. Because I knew from this point forward, my child will be practically licking the floor. And I was right. She almost put her finger in the socket earlier this week. It's time to child proof the house. But I really don't want to. Do you think it's bad parenting to do experiential learning? (Ho

One of Bryan's friends called him a few times to ask him to go to Edmonton this past weekend for a special occasion. At first, I said no, because we waited a bit too late to book a ticket. But it was evident how much Bryan wanted to be there for his friend. So on Friday morning, we hopped into our car and drove down to Edmonton. 13.5 hours later with one very cranky and tired baby, we spent 24 hours in Edmonton and drove home on Sunday at 7 am. 16.5 hours later, we were home. Not before Mackenzie wailed for a good part of the drive. But who can blame her? I can't imagine being tied down to a carseat with the same toys and boring scenery for that long! Not to mention the change in air pressure up and down the mountains. Our little trooper made it maybe a little bit scarred. Having said that, it was well worth the trip. The surprise was great, and Bryan never cease to amaze me with his giving heart. Although I often try my best to give without the expectation of receiving, I

I'm looking at pictures of Mackenzie now and she's looking more and more like me. Only the white version of me. It's kinda weird. Nothing too new to report these past couple of weeks. She's started to crawl on her hands and knees. But only if there's something she really really wants to reach. Otherwise, she'll wait for it to come to her. Or she'll slide on her stomach for it. My milk supply seem to have gone down these past couple of weeks. So I'm loading up on blessed thistle and fenugreek. I smell like walking maple syrup. Has it helped? I have no idea. I don't feel abundantly full, but Mackenzie seems to be gaining weight. So I guess I just have to trust that it's working. Mackenzie has finally surpassed 15 lbs. She's hovering between the 10th and 25th percentile. Can't say I'm all that worried. The other day, she ate olives and pooped them out the next day. It's weird to have little black chewed up things in your baby&#

I've gotten lazy, as you can see. I'm barely updating these days, yet so much has happened! I really need to make it into a habit to start writing more often. I don't want to forget these moments, but they're happening so fast, it's hard to remember them all! Well, first off - Halloween! In hopes of getting the most out of the costume (because most just wear it for like a hour or two), we ended up wearing it 5 different times. That's right, five! We even went trick-or-treating (ok, it was only 4 houses afterall, but it was still fun!). Mack had a blast, and we still have candies left over here at our house. Then Bryan went away for a week for business. It's not normally all that bad, but this time around, Mackenzie decided to get sick and get her first teeth at the same time! (I think they were related) She was super stuffed up (hence, no sleep), and she was super cranky because she was cutting in the bottom two teeth. Oh, the joy! I wasn't real

Yup, missed a few weeks there. Got busy and just didn't feel inspired enough to write. But here I am! Well, there have been quite a few milestones the last 3 weeks. Mack is now fully rolling over, attempting to crawl backwards, and STTN (again). She had her first nosebleed 3 weeks ago (when we were travelling because it's dry in the desert!) where Bryan totally freaked out because his girls have never had nosebleeds before. After being in Utah where there were 5 kids and 2 babies in the house for a week, Mack came home and was like, "what the heck? I want them back! I'm BORED!" She got bored of all of her toys within 5 minutes. So what was the solution? Making sure there's something to do every single day. Between swimming, Mother Goose, mommy group, library time, and walks, I still don't have enough to occupy her throughout the day. I have created a bit of a monster... Mackenzie started solids consistently finally. We are doing the baby-led weanin

When Mack was first born, I told Bryan that I couldn't possibly think of having any more kids. I mean, how you can you love anyone more than this perfect baby? What if I don't love the next one as much? I feel like Mack took up all the cuteness there was plus all the love we could give! Then we travelled to Utah to visit one of our best friends last week who has 5 kids. I thought having 5 kids would be super chaotic. And it is. There's never a moment of quietness, and you're just not going to please every child. But I can tell you, I think my heart expanded 10 times just being with those kids this past week. I understand now how you can have more than 1. I'm not saying we'll have 5. But I'm definitely considering more than 2. Mack quite enjoys the attention from the kids. They all wanted to hold her, to play with her, and to just look at her. After coming home the other day, Mack immediately got bored with all of her toys. She wanted attention. Which

I don't think I'll ever get over how fast they grow. Today, I'm officially a stepmom to 2 grown up adults. My youngest stepdaughter just turned 18 today. Wow. There's a little evil part of me that's really relieved that child support is over as of today. After 9 years of sucking up a good part of our pay cheques, it's finally over. I'm a terrible person, I know. Don't get me wrong though. They deserved every penny. I wouldn't have it any other way but to pay child support. Those kids are great kids. And their mom is a great mom. So I know that money went to good use. She wasn't one of those women that took the money and spent it on herself. Still...I've been looking forward to this day for a long time. Of course, there's a big part of me that is sad that they're now grown up. They're supposed to be able to conquer the world and know everything about everything. (Remember when you were 18?!) They talked about ordering a b

I'm a bit travelled out if you can believe it. Travelling with a baby is not as fun as I had anticipated, especially when doing it on my own. We have a trip to Nevada/Utah next week, and I think after that, I could do without travelling for awhile. Mack has been grabbing her ears, drooling, and having a slight fever all week. I can only assume this means she is either teething or has an ear infection. Then just last week, she decided to get a cold. So yeah, it's been great. Mackenzie was congested and started rolling to her side to breathe better. Only she would roll all the way over to her stomach. Then she would proceed to get really cranky because she doesn't want to roll back on to her back on her own. Needless to say, it's been a trying few days going in to roll her back over. So yes, soother back in and no more CIO. Good news is that she's still STTN about 7 hours. And mostly she will go down on her own. Went to visit my friend's baby the other day

It's hard to believe Mack is 20 weeks old already. That's half a pregnancy, LOL! Nothing too drastic happened this week. She's not rolling over anymore (she's decided it's too much work), she's not sitting up yet (but she'd rather stand because there are places to go, you know), and she's not giggling yet (we even ripped some paper like this dad did ...nothing worked!). So you know, nothing earth shattering to write about. We are in Red Deer/Edmonton this week. Any sleep training we did are well...gone. Soother back in, rocking to sleep, her sleeping with us. (sigh) We go home tomorrow. Bryan doesn't come home for 5 days. Which means, it's me and the kid against the soother and sleep. Wish us luck. This could get ugly. If you don't get a week 21 update, it means the kid won.

I just noticed this week that I can no longer wrap my fingers around Mackenzie's thighs. She now has the thunder thighs I was dreaming of in the beginning. But now that she has them, I'm a little sad that she's growing so fast. We'll be starting solids in just over a month! I realized today that I am more sad about Mackenzie growing than actually enjoying her. Most days I look at her and I go, "I can't believe how much she's grown! I miss her being so little!" So I think I need to stop, take a step back, and actually enjoy this whole journey. Otherwise, I'm just going to miss out on it! So operation sans soother, sans swaddle, sans rocking, CIO, and STTN is well...a semi-success. Out of the 3 naps during the day, Mack will go down on her own once without crying, then once crying for about 5-10 mins, then once absolutely wailing. All 3 naps are with a sleep sack, no swaddling. The last 2 nights, Mack has gone down to sleep for the night on her

After 7 days and 6 nights of no soother, CIO, and minimal rocking/picking up...the answer was so obvious. I don't know why I had missed this for a whole week. We did this one thing last night and it made all the difference. She slept for 10 hours, with 2 dream feeds before Bryan and I went to bed, which meant 7.5 hours of sleep with no feeds in between. Day 4-6 were as horrific as any other. Nap times were ok-ish. Took anywhere between 10-20 minutes for her to go down. We cut the night time to about 30-45 minutes of CIO. And she wouldn't go down on her own either. She only ever went down after one of us rocked her for about 2-5 minutes! So I thought with this much CIO, she must STTN! Nope! This girl was keeping us on our toes! She was waking at least 2-3 times a night, with at least one time in there of 30 minutes of wailing. Sometimes, she would just wake at 3 am cooing and playing. Bryan and I were running on no sleep with her being in the same room with us. We just resor

I'm not sure if I wrote this before (my baby brain still intact), but Mackenzie WAS sleeping through the night beautifully for awhile. And then suddenly, no more. At first, she was waking 1-2 times a night and she would be fine when we pop the soother back in. Then it increased to 3-4 times a night. Then this past week, she started waking us up 6-8 times a night just for the soother! It was costing us our sanity. Bryan wakes up at 5:30 am every morning for a conference call, and I, well, I just don't function without sleep. In fact, I have no idea how I did it those first few week at all. Must be the mommy hormones. Well, those hormones have died, they're not keeping me going like they were before. So the only solution? Taking away the soother. I read up about it, did some research on it. Apparently, this is a really common problems amongst parents! Loads of parents were fooled to have the best sleeping baby in the world, and suddenly, their world is torn apart by

Remember how a couple weeks after Mackenzie was born, she refused the boob because she got used to the bottle? Then after much persistence (actually, it was only about 2-3 weeks, but at the time, it felt like an eternity), she went back on the boob and we never really used a bottle again. This week, we decided that in order for us to go on date nights any longer than 2 hours at a time, we have to reintroduce the bottle to Mackenzie. Results? Epic Fail. She absolutely refuses the bottle, which means, no extended date night until she weans off the boob. And really, I feel like this is a preview of what is to come when she weans. I feel like she won't want to take the bottle at all when the time comes. Great. Because I have an interview for a part time job on Tuesday. We're gonna keep trying the bottle on the night time feed, but if we can't get her on in the next couple of weeks, my itch to get out of the house a few hours a week is gone. And this part time job p

It was a year ago yesterday that we found out we were going to be parents! It's hard to believe it's been that long, can you? I've been blogging consistently for a year! (this is a record for me. I've had numerous blogs but none lasted like this one) A year ago, I was thinking about whether we were having a boy or a girl (my suspicion was a boy), whether I would last the whole 10 months (I thought the time was going by so slowly), what we were going to name the baby (if it was a girl, we were going to name her Molly), the list goes on. If you told me that we would end up in Vancouver a year later, I probably would've told you you were crazy. Here we are now, with a 3.5 month old. Time is going by so fast and I can't imagine ever naming Mackenzie Molly. Life would've been so different had we stayed in Edmonton. What will I be saying a year from now?

I was reading back some of my blog posts, and well, some of you might think my mom is just plain crazy. And she is. She still has her days where she thinks Mack is dying from cying. She still panicks when Mackenzie's face turns read from wailing on top of her lungs. She told us to feed her eye yolk once a week when she turned 3 months because that would decrease chances of allergies. (There's no proof of this scientifically at all. But we did it anyway, because well....just incase) But I think that's just what grandmas do. I probably don't give my mom enough credit though. She is more than the silly stories you hear from me. When Bryan and I decided to move back to Vancouver, my mom took both of us in, no questions asked. She even took in our cat Lilo, even though she already had 3 at the time (as I write, she's down to 1 plus my cat. It was tragic, and timing was horrible). And when we moved, she didn't freak out like I thought she might. Even to this

We went camping last week. It was for church and Bryan and I were chaperones. And it was really close to home. Still, we were roughing it in outhouses and tents. We even had to bring our own water. This is a big deal when you have a 3-month old with you. All the kids LOVED Mackenzie. Everyone wanted a turn to hold her and to play with her. Mackenzie in turn loved the attention back! Sure, she had her moments because she didn't want to sleep (are you kidding me mom? There's way too much to see for me to close my eyes even for a second!). But overall, she was a trooper. That was, until we were going to bed for the night. I don't know if it was because the kids were still up until 4 in the morning chatting (when I was 14, staying up until 4 was fun), or if it's because Bryan and I were on an uncomfortable air mattress and Mackenzie was squeezed in the middle, or what. But Mackenzie did not enjoy sleeping in a tent. Actually, at one point, she was wailing for half

Remember during week 21 of my pregnancy when I thought about worst case scenerios? I am definitely a lot less dramatic these days about what's the worst that could happen. But that doesn't mean they don't happen. I go to my April 2011 mommy forum and have read 2 babies who have passed away. One almost immediately after she was born, and one at 11 weeks. One of my friends who was expecting her third just found out that she had a false pregnancy (yes, they do happen. The embryo was missing half of its DNA and couldn't grow). My pregnancy was amazing, despite the first 20 weeks of being really sick. My delivery was awesome, despite the 27 hours of labor. So at the end of the day, I know just how lucky we are to have Mackenzie with us, healthy and bright as can be. There probably isn't a day that goes by without me thanking God for giving us the opportunity to teach and learn from our little girl. Then I read about the moms who can't breastfeed. And I count m

Uh...so, I finally started losing my hair this past week. Every mom warned me about this. And I wasn't too concerned. I was a hair loser before I was pregnant and it didn't freak me out then, so I anticipated it would just be a little bit worse now. Only, it's a lot worse. I'm not freaking out over how much I've lost. Because I have quite a bit of hair. I know it'll grow back. But do you know how hard it is to clean up hair? I'd be surprised if we don't need draino by next week! And it's a waste really - I wish I could make a wig out of it. I mean, that's how much I'm losing. That's how much I have to throw away. And to make it worse, I'm only losing all my natural color hair. My greys? Well, they're staying put. They're like weeds that will never go away. Ugh! My whole head is turning grey and that's probalby what's freaking me out the most. I'm only thirty. I do not need to look like I'm fourty overnight.

Remember when Mackenzie was just a size of a water bottle? Now she's 3 water bottle-big! Not quite 10 lbs yet, but I'm sure we'll get there next week. I can't believe we're almost into the double digits! And we're almost at 3 months! Time really goes by fast when you have a kid.

After 2 weeks in Edmonton, I must admit I was so glad to come home. Mostly because of the mosquitos! We were rarely outside because I was afraid we might be eaten alive! I thought for sure this time coming back I would miss Edmonton a bit, but nope! It was clear as day that it was no longer home. Which was a huge surprise to me since it was home to me for 8 years. I guess baby really does change everything! Mackenzie had her first plane ride and her first shot this week. I anticipated a lot of stress. Let's see how she measured up, shall we? I thought Mackenzie would be a fussy pot on the plane, turned out, I was the one who was going out of wack. I had no idea what to expect, so needless to say, I was completely unprepared. Even with going to the airport an hour and 10 minutes ahead of time, I was running to the gate with 10 minutes to spare! (They were calling my name as we got there) Mackenzie fussed all of 2 minutes throughout the hour and a half on the plane. And she did

Well, we made it to Edmonton! After that horrific first day, we stayed overnight in Kamloops. Then the next day, she was perfect on the road. Still, we decided to fly back to Vancouver this week. I'd rather take an hour and a half of torture than 12.5 hours. Mack has never been that fond of people she doesn't know. So needless to say, as soon as we landed in Edmonton, she was a mess! For the first two days, she had no idea what was going on. She was absolutely mad about all the social appointments we had. She cried at everyone who held her and was fussy in general. I was starting to get worried about her not eating very much. But then we went to weigh her, and she finally surpassed 8 lbs! On Monday, she weight 8 lbs 5 oz - that means she gained 7 oz in one week - probably one of the best weeks she's had so far :) Then after two days, Mackenzie gave in. It was as if she surrendered to our busy lives. She suddenly loved being in strangers' arms. It was amazing, and

First of all, reading my past posts - my grammar was/is absolutely atrocious. I'm sorry, I never have time to proof-read. So yeah, deal with it. I'm not dumb, but obviously cannot write properly without any editing. In Chinese tradition, we are supposed to have a celebration when the baby is one month old. This is because in Chinese tradition, you're also not supposed to go out of the house for the first month after the baby was  born. Of course, being as restless as I am, that didn't happen. (We went out on day 3) We also didn't have the celebration after Mackenzie turned a month old because my mom was in Hong Kong. So she decided it was ok to change the tradition this time around. We celebrated at 2 months instead for "double happiness". With all 20 of our family at a loud Chinese restaurant for a 10-course meal, it was no surprise that Mackenzie did not cooperate. In fact, she cried for 3 hours straight refusing to be comforted and refusing to eat

I don't know how I missed week 7. Sorry. The nurses told me in the beginning that things are pretty rough until about 6-8 weeks when me and Mackenzie get to know each other more. They were right. At week 6, miraculously, things got a little easier. Then by week 7, her crying didn't even phase me anymore. She also started spitting up quite a bit. And this is how I feel about spit up: WHAT A WASTE! I feel like my body works uber hard for this breastmilk, and here she is, spitting what seems like her whole feeding up! So it's no surprise then, that she just gained 2 lbs since birth on week 8. Slowest gain ever, but I'm not worried about it anymore. I realized that it took me 9 months to gain 12 lbs during pregnancy, so I have to remember that she's just going to gain slowly that way. She also started being quite a bit more alert this week. So alert in fact, that she's way too distracted to sleep during the day. Which results in overtiredness, which results

There's nothing quite like getting test results back. Mackenzie had her hearing test at the hospital 12 hours after she was born and she didn't pass it. They say it's common. Probably because there was still fluid in her ears and such. So we had to wait 6 weeks before they would retest her. Not that I was ever worried that she would be hard of hearing, and even if so, we would embrace it, but you know, the unknown is never really comfortable. They also did a PKU (a test where they poke the baby's foot for blood and test of different diseases) at the hospital. They say we will only hear from them if the test came back abnormal. Well, we heard from them. Mackenzie's cystic fibrosis test came back inconclusive. The doctor said that didn't mean she had it. It just meant that it came back umm...inconclusive. She told us not to worry (and not to cry). I wasn't all that worried, until she told us not to. We had to go for another PKU. So with two tests up in t

We're moving next weekend. With our 47 boxes, bedroom set, and a few bags of clothes. Then it dawned on me, we just gave away our whole house. Then I asked Bryan - why in the world did you let me give away our whole house? He said it was because I was 37 weeks pregnant at the time, and you don't argue with a pregnant woman. So now, we have to get dishes, utensils, hangers, coffee table, couches, desk, BBQ, and stuff like that. We are literally starting all over again. Mackenzie has finally surpassed the 7 lb mark. I know this is still really really small compared to other 5-week olds, but it's a huge feat considering weight was such an issue from the beginning. We're aiming to be at 9-10 lbs by the end of the month. We'll see how her feeding frenzy go! We are now exclusively breastfeeding. Did I already write that in the last post? This is very good news - we don't have to pump as often anymore, thank goodness. It was taking all of my time, and also took

So throughout my pregnancy, I was lucky enough not to get any stretchmarks at all. Mostly because my belly was so small! A week after Mackenzie was born, these little red marks appeared around my tummy. Turned out, I wasn't immune to stretchmarks afterall! Is it weird that umm...I love them? I was actually pretty excited about them. They're reminders of my pregnancy and I don't want to get rid of them at all! What can I say? I guess I'm finally embracing everything about my body! It's been a month of ups and downs. People and books will tell you about them, but nothing will prepare you anyway. So it didn't matter that I only read half a book, at the end, no logic can help you with the emotional roller coaster ride! First off, Mackenzie stayed the same weight for 2 weeks. When we finally went to the doctor's - she told us it was time to supplement. So we alternate formula and breastmilk every other feed. Well, wouldn't you know it, after half a day,

I knew when we were moving in with my mom that there would be challenges. But I didn't anticipate it to be THIS difficult. It could be a mixture of me forgetting what my mom is truly like and hormones combined. It's gotten bad enough that even Bryan is losing his patience. (And if you know Bryan, you know it takes a lot to make him mad) Even though it's been 25 years since my mom last had a baby, and even though when asked, she doesn't actually remember what it was like to raise a baby (it's maybe because she had full time help with a nanny), her advice never cease. She wonders why the baby is crying all the time (mom: why is she crying so much? us: because babies cry mom, that's what they do. mom: I don't think that's normal. You guys are doing something wrong.). She doesn't seem concerned that the baby is under weight, but seems to be concerned that she's naked for 10 seconds (mom: why does she have to be naked? us: because we're changing

They warn you about your hormones going out of wack and how you will feel all kinds of emotions. They weren't kidding. One day I would be in the best state in the world to conquer motherhood, the next day I would be weeping about anything from Mackenzie crying to not getting enough attention from Bryan. To say that it's a bit of a roller coaster ride would be an understatement. And it's only day 10. Being a mom was not at all what I expected. I thought I would feel different somehow. I don't know exactly how I thought I would feel, maybe a bit more maternal? A bit more loving? I have no idea. All I know is that when Mother's Day rolled around, I hardly felt like it was a day for me at all! Having said that, I have thoroughly enjoyed having Mackenzie in our lives. In fact, I've enjoyed her so much that I hardly remembered what it felt like to be pregnant. All those thoughts about how I would miss being preggo are gone. And labor? I can tell you I remember it

I'm sure from me not posting this week, you've guessed what happened! It all started last Friday (can't believe it's been a week already) when we were visiting Amanda and Dan for one last dinner before they leave for Edmonton on Saturday afternoon. We've kinda given up that the baby would come before they leave. But then at 8 pm, it all changed. The first contraction started. I wasn't sure what it was at first. But when it felt the same 30 minutes later, I knew it had started. So when we left dinner, I said, "I'm not going to say goodbye. The baby will probably come tomorrow before you guys leave. The contractions are now 8 minutes apart". With that, we drove home. With a bit of excitement and nervousness, we went to bed around midnight hoping I could catch some rest before baby comes. Well an hour later, the contractions were about 7 minutes apart and hurt enough that I couldn't sleep. My sister came home around 2 and I hung out with h

I can't believe we made it to week 40. Like today is my due date. My doctor said that only 4% of women actually give birth on their actual due date. Most first time moms are late. In this case, that would be me. I'm making history in my family - I was 2 weeks early, my sister was 4 weeks early, and my cousin's daughter was 2 weeks early. I am not sure if we've ever had a late comer before - but here we are! This week, I got a revisit from an old friend - one I haven't seen since the first trimester. The reason why I stopped taking pre-natal vitamins. That's right. Hemmorroids. They have returned. With no apparently reason really. I'm not even sure why they're appearing. I assume it's because the baby is getting close, so things are popping out everywhere. Well, we made it to the wedding without baby coming! I was holding my breath and everything else for awhile there. I really wasn't sure if this baby was going to hold out. But she did! The w

First off - no baby yet. So, yup, big sigh of relief right there. Last week has been...chaotic to say the least. If there was any time I was stressed, last week was it. And it's funny, because I wasn't stressed about the baby or anything, I was just stressed about things that happened day to day. First, the movers came on Wednesday. This guy looked at our house and said, "there's a lot more stuff than we thought there would be, there's just a lot  more." So much more that he didn't end up taking quite a few items, including our BBQ, Patio Set, Air Conditioner, and a few other things. And on top of that, they decided to charge us an extra $1000 for the move. Yup, I FREAKED. On top of that, with 2 days until the move, we had a truck in our driveway that we thought was spoken for but then wasn't. So we had 2 days to get rid of some major things plus the truck. Thankfully, after freaking out for an hour, I saw it more of an opportunity. I decided