Dear Bryanna

Dear Bryanna,

Before you sister was born, I was worried I wouldn't love her as much as I loved your dad. Your sister taught me that God doesn't require us to love one more than the other, he just grows our heart bigger to make more room for more love.

Yet, before you were born, I had the same fears. What if I didn't love you as much as I loved Mackenzie? What if there was just no more room?

Of course, our hearts don't work that way.

When I was pregnant with you, I desperately wanted you to come before Christmas. And if you couldn't make it before then, I wanted you to come after New Year's. Because there is nothing worse than having a birthday between Christmas and New Year's (yes, I am speaking from experience). You get a bit cheated on presents, and there is never a good time for a party.

I prayed on New Year's Eve that you would not show up that night.

You didn't. You showed up 6 days later.

And not without some drama.

Please, you are not a Chan without a bit of drama :)

Did you know Auntie Andrea walked in the hospital and 9:45 pm and your cousin Audrey was born at 10:02 pm?

I've always thought that was a crazy story. Because who doesn't know they're in labor? Who misses the mark so much?

Turned out, your mama did.

I loved you the moment you were born. There was no doubt about it. I looked at you and thought, yes, this is exactly the way it was supposed to be.

You were easy to read. Your dad and I understood every cry you made. Whether it was hunger, gas, or tiredness, your cries were distinct and you only ever cried for maybe a total of 10 minutes a day.

That was, unless you were in the car.

Oh, how you hated the car seat. If our car ride was one hour, you would cry for the entire hour. And for that reason, you never got to experience what your sister did. The running around, going from one social gathering to the next. No no, you got to experience scheduled naps and the great indoors...a lot. Even after going to the chiropractor at 4 months and you improved 90% after 2 treatments, we were by then too exhausted to take you out.

You sure kept us on our toes! When you were first breastfeeding, you were a champ! You gained a pound and a half within 4 weeks. I thought, heck yes! No weight worries this time around! And then boom - you changed. Breastfeeding no more you said. You were not a fan. You ate JUST enough to gain maybe 3 oz a week. And by 8.5 months, you said breastfeeding no more. You became a full time formula baby. Thank goodness you took a bottle. The day you weaned I was both elated (because now someone else can feed you) and sad (because you were supposed to feed until a year!).

Here are a few things about you we knew from the start: You are very quick witted. From the moment you could smile, we could tell from the look on your face that you knew exactly what was happening around you and you knew how to get your way. You knew the right sound/whine to make to get what you wanted, and you required a different kind of discipline because no matter what, you just would not sign please for the longest time (even though you knew how). In other words, you are one stubborn kid.

I had hoped that you would get your personality more from the Nickel side. You had other plans of course. You are a Chan through and through. You are independent ("I don't need you to feed me, just give me the spoon and I can fling yogurt across the room myself!"), you see the glass as half full (most of the time, you cry AND laugh at the same time), and you generally don't listen to a word we say ("What? You want me to not touch that? Say that again? You're going to put me in time out? Ok, I'll touch it then.")

You walked right around the same time your sister started. You finally signed please at 11 months. You're still not eating solids full time. Right now, you know a smile can get you a million bucks, and you love your family A LOT. You're definitely not a kid that let strangers hold you, but you will in your own time go to them if you choose. You're not unfriendly, but definitely cling on to familiar faces more than I thought you would.

Oh, and you have hair! Hallelujah! You have hair! Not a lot, but enough to convince me that you are our child afterall :)

These are the lessons you've taught me this year:

Every child is different. No matter how much I try to mold you and your sister the same way, neither of you will turn out the same. I appreciate these differences so much more than I ever thought I would. While your sister taught me patience, you taught me acceptance. Acceptance that I am enough as the mom that I am. That even though I was working when you were 4 months, it was ok. Even though I didn't do things exactly the same with you as with Mackenzie, that was ok too.

You taught me unconditional love. I think it's amazing that kids can love so unconditionally (and parents can love kids so unconditionally as well). You've taught me to approach love that way with everyone in my life. That everyone deserves love without judgement, cry without being shushed, and laugh with your whole being.

You and Mackenzie have been playing with each other for a few months now. And each time I hear laughter coming out from both of you, my heart just melt into puddles. Those are the days I realize why I had you. Growing up, your Yi Yi and I didn't always get along. Now I can't imagine my life without her. Your Yi Yi told me late last year, "I love you no matter what, because you're my sister." And that is my hope for you and Mackenzie. That you guys will turn to each other in good times and crazy times, that you will love each other no matter what because you are sisters.

Oh Bryanna. I love you so much. I hope this next year bring you more love than you have experienced the year before. Happy Birthday baby girl.

Love, mom