Week 21 - Worst Case Scenerios

Last weekend, my friend Candice asked me if my furnace has kicked in yet. With a very confused look on my face, she clarified she meant my internal furnace.

The answer is no. In fact, I’m still freezing all the time. Baby has stolen all my warmth. In fact, baby has stolen my sanity as well.

The other night, Bryan and I were taking a nap. Bryan went and stretched out his arm.

“What’s wrong? What’s wrong with your arm?”

“Oh, it just fell asleep. It feels a little numb and tingly, that’s all”

“You could be having a heart attack. How are you feeling? How’s your chest? Are you breathing ok?”

“This is my right arm, Carly. I’m not having a heart attack. It just fell asleep.”

“I think it affects the right arm too. Can you just tell me how you’re feeling? Is there any pain in the chest?”

“I don’t feel anything. I’m fine.”

“I’m not crazy.”

“I know.”

I’ve also started reading stories on the grief and loss board with this online forum I joined. I can’t tell you what prompted me to do this. (I can just hear it, "Why would you do that to yourself?!) All I can tell you is that on days where I feel like baby is taking my everything, I know how lucky I am to be able to celebrate the weekly milestones.  I was just reading another blog and the writer did the exact same thing with her second baby. She said:

“Just knowing that horrible things can happen in pregnancy will never “prepare” you for them, if they happen to you. It won’t make things hurt less or make you fold your hands quietly in resignation while the doctor delivers bad news. It does, however, remind me to cherish every moment I do get with my baby, even the uncomfortable “is it October yet?” moments. If something were to go wrong and these weeks of pregnancy were all I ever got to experience with this child, that wouldn’t make him less real. Less of my ever-so-loved-already son, who has his big brother’s mouth and his own name and his own place in our family.”

“One of the biggest surprises about pregnancy and parenthood is that you really do start to feel it all, in a way you’ve never experienced before. That happiness and sadness and fear and doubt and worry and joy and love are so unbelievably mixed and jumbled up together that you can’t separate them out anymore, and to ignore the bad is to do a disservice to the good.”

There is no logic when you’re pregnant. You just feel, all the time. It’s not a valve you get to shut off. So while some of you might think I’m just a crazy pregnant woman who is dramatic and overreacting, I’m ok with that. Because before this pregnancy, I would think this is ridiculous too. I never thought that in 21 weeks, I could be in love with someone that I haven’t even met yet. This is the part that no matter how many books you read or how many stories you’ve heard, you never quite understand the magnitude of unconditional love until you experience it.

Like right now – I so meant for this to be a funny post with my insanity. What came out of my brain? Giant ball of hormones.

Don’t worry guys, only another 19 weeks to go.