48 Hours Later
When I was a teenager, I dreamt of the day I would have an awesome career, a house, a husband, and a couple kids. I wanted all of this by the age of 22.
When 22 came, I had none of those things.
I didn't have to wait long though. By 25, I was married, in a beautiful house, and I had a very promising career. All that was missing was kids.
I was thoroughly enjoying my time with my husband and being loved the most! I loved our flexible schedule where we could have a business on the side, go out for drinks after work, go out for dinner on a whim, and hanging out with our friends every weekend. They were all reasons we decided not to have a dog. And they were all the reasons that held me back from wanting to have kids.
Yet I knew, I knew the day was coming that kids would be in our future. The question of, "when are you guys going to have kids?" came more and more frequently. Every time, I dodged the question with, "We're just not ready right now." or "Maybe in a few years."
I was beginning to think that I would never want them. Time was ticking, my husband was getting older. What if we have them and I resent them? What if we don't have them and I regret it? No matter how many books I read, none of them gave me answers.
Until January of this year.
One day I woke up and I knew this year was the year. I had been off of birth control for over 2 years, and always said I would rely on fate to see what would happen. For 2 years nothing did happen because I just wasn't ready. So when I made a declaration that I was, I thought it would only take a month or two to make a baby.
It took 8.
There were months when I was relieved that I had one more month of freedom, one more drink, one more sushi meal; and there were months of me pondering if I made a mistake of making us wait for so long before trying or if I was being punished for being so selfish for so many years. Didn't help that there were months that I got a UTI/bladder infection right around ovulation. Maybe children weren't in our future afterall. I felt hope, guilt, fear, all at the same time.
This week was just another week. I started cramping early on and expected my period on Tuesday. When it didn't come, I knew it would be here by the weekend. This was the month we actually didn't purposely try having a baby because of some weddings coming up next year. So I figured I must be my period coming. All the symptoms were there - cramps, back pain, mood swings. So when I was in a terrible mood on Friday at work, I didn't think much of it. I was extremely tired, but I attributed that to me going to bed really late the night before.
So on Friday night, when we were at a friend's house, I thought, what the heck, I may as well take it tonight. I will get the anxiety over with. Normally I would pee on the stick, get a negative result, and my period comes the next day. I just wanted to get the results and move on to next month where I would carefully plan around my ovulation yet again.
I had hard time peeing on the stick. Well, that's strange, that has never happened to me before. I thought, ok, here's another sign that I wasn't supposed to take the test because it'll be another negative result.
Imagine my surprise when the little window came up with a + sign.
I almost cried.
I always thought that I would plan something elaborate to tell my husband when this day came. I thought I would be able to contain the glee for a couple days before telling him. But nope. I went to the kitchen, calmly asked to speak to him for a minute, then I broke the news. He was as surprised as I was. We wanted this day so badly that we didn't prepare for any emotions.
It's been 48 hours.
I have been thinking of nothing except for our future child. Is this normal? Are we prepared? I'm not even taking the right vitamins! I haven't read any books! What the heck were we thinking?
And so it begins. I hope that this blog will serve as a place for me to jot down my random thoughts - thoughts about the future of our family, fears, doubts, etc.
And did I mention that it feels as surreal now as it did 48 hours ago? One minute I was just me, the next minute I am responsible for something so much bigger than me.
It's only been 48 hours, and we've already came up with names.
I can't wait to meet you future baby.
When 22 came, I had none of those things.
I didn't have to wait long though. By 25, I was married, in a beautiful house, and I had a very promising career. All that was missing was kids.
I was thoroughly enjoying my time with my husband and being loved the most! I loved our flexible schedule where we could have a business on the side, go out for drinks after work, go out for dinner on a whim, and hanging out with our friends every weekend. They were all reasons we decided not to have a dog. And they were all the reasons that held me back from wanting to have kids.
Yet I knew, I knew the day was coming that kids would be in our future. The question of, "when are you guys going to have kids?" came more and more frequently. Every time, I dodged the question with, "We're just not ready right now." or "Maybe in a few years."
I was beginning to think that I would never want them. Time was ticking, my husband was getting older. What if we have them and I resent them? What if we don't have them and I regret it? No matter how many books I read, none of them gave me answers.
Until January of this year.
One day I woke up and I knew this year was the year. I had been off of birth control for over 2 years, and always said I would rely on fate to see what would happen. For 2 years nothing did happen because I just wasn't ready. So when I made a declaration that I was, I thought it would only take a month or two to make a baby.
It took 8.
There were months when I was relieved that I had one more month of freedom, one more drink, one more sushi meal; and there were months of me pondering if I made a mistake of making us wait for so long before trying or if I was being punished for being so selfish for so many years. Didn't help that there were months that I got a UTI/bladder infection right around ovulation. Maybe children weren't in our future afterall. I felt hope, guilt, fear, all at the same time.
This week was just another week. I started cramping early on and expected my period on Tuesday. When it didn't come, I knew it would be here by the weekend. This was the month we actually didn't purposely try having a baby because of some weddings coming up next year. So I figured I must be my period coming. All the symptoms were there - cramps, back pain, mood swings. So when I was in a terrible mood on Friday at work, I didn't think much of it. I was extremely tired, but I attributed that to me going to bed really late the night before.
So on Friday night, when we were at a friend's house, I thought, what the heck, I may as well take it tonight. I will get the anxiety over with. Normally I would pee on the stick, get a negative result, and my period comes the next day. I just wanted to get the results and move on to next month where I would carefully plan around my ovulation yet again.
I had hard time peeing on the stick. Well, that's strange, that has never happened to me before. I thought, ok, here's another sign that I wasn't supposed to take the test because it'll be another negative result.
Imagine my surprise when the little window came up with a + sign.
I almost cried.
I always thought that I would plan something elaborate to tell my husband when this day came. I thought I would be able to contain the glee for a couple days before telling him. But nope. I went to the kitchen, calmly asked to speak to him for a minute, then I broke the news. He was as surprised as I was. We wanted this day so badly that we didn't prepare for any emotions.
It's been 48 hours.
I have been thinking of nothing except for our future child. Is this normal? Are we prepared? I'm not even taking the right vitamins! I haven't read any books! What the heck were we thinking?
And so it begins. I hope that this blog will serve as a place for me to jot down my random thoughts - thoughts about the future of our family, fears, doubts, etc.
And did I mention that it feels as surreal now as it did 48 hours ago? One minute I was just me, the next minute I am responsible for something so much bigger than me.
It's only been 48 hours, and we've already came up with names.
I can't wait to meet you future baby.
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